Boozy Confessions

You have a couple drinks at Bacchus on 2-4-1 Wednesdays, and the next thing you know you’re baring your soul to your best friend, the awkward guy from work, your ex-boyfriend, the doorman and anyone else willing to listen.

Now, you see, this wouldn’t be a problem, but it seems as though you find yourself sharing things you really should keep to yourself. Have you heard (or delivered) any of these?

  1. “I totally catfished you on Scruff just so I could see your dick pics.” Run for your life! This confession means that drunk guy/friend has been stalking and lying to you. But congratulations for keeping his interest with your private pics. :-)
  2. “I love you like Jay-Z loves Beyoncé.”  Premature, over-the-top love confessions have a way of escaping people’s lips when they’ve been drinking. Even if it’s not exactly true. 
  3. “You’re a bad kisser.” There’s never really a good time to tell someone they’re a bad kisser, so -why not do it when you’re wasted?
  4. “You’re SO hot, like…SO fuckin' hot.” There comes a point in the night, around one in the morning, or drink number 7, when your best friend’s hair becomes shinier, his teeth become whiter, his tan got tanner, and he’s just SO hot, and all you want to do is pet his shiny head and tell him how sexy he is, and you just tell him to go with it.
  5. “At first, I didn’t even LIKE you!” Remember that douche in high school or at your first job you hated, and you used to have all those snarky nicknames for him? Well after a couple of drinks, you realize that he’s actually, maybe, kind of cool and friend material. So you exchange numbers, but after telling him what you originally thought of her, you never actually text or call each other.
  6. “I have a crush on ____.” Sounded like a good idea at the time. It’s not the end of the world now that everyone knows you’re mildly in love with your best friend’s brother’s best friend.
  7. “You should break up with your boyfriend.” Danger! Turn back! Not the territory you want to step on. Telling your guy friend, who you happen to lust over, that you would be such a better boyfriend than the one he has now.
  8. “We should be BEST friends!” You go out with a new guy once and you have a great time and from that point forward you think you should hang out every night until the end of time and be BEST friends 4EVER!
  9. “Where did our friendship fall apart?” Seeing that BFF you had in high school that you suddenly stopped talking to for whatever reason you don’t remember, and catching up on your lives saying how much you miss each other’s moms. You exchange numbers, maybe go out to coffee once and visit the family, and then never talk to each other again.
  10. “I had the biggest crush on you in high school!” That’s pretty much self-explanatory. That can never end well. Because you may end up hooking up with your high school crush who had a six pack in high school, and that six pack developed into a beer gut, and the sex was not as great as you imagined.